I’m trying something new and participating in Five Minute Friday with Lisa-Jo Baker. It’s my way of kicking perfection, fear, and procrastination in the tushy and on out the door. If you’re not familiar with it, Five Minute Friday is a challenge to write for five minutes on a one word prompt without worrying about editing and typos and such. Just five minutes of focused writing. And I’m curious to see what will happen…
This week’s word is: CLOSE.
Close. Close. Closer still.
It’s where I must remain. Close to the cross. Closer to the cross. Knowing it’s the only way I’m going to make it. Knowing I am nothing without it. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
But I know The One who is something. And apart from him, there is no goodness in me. The Jesus in me is worth something. But there are plenty of days I wrestle to find the Something within me. I wrestle to find me.
There are days that I find myself treading furiously in the raging waters of life. Desperate to stay afloat. And I cling and claw and gnaw my way back to the cross. Gripping for dear life as wave after crashing wave of doubt and fear tries to pull me away.Closer I pull the cross.
And I sit like a bedraggled castaway in the sands and cry out for salvation. Rescue me, Jesus. I’m drowning in my sin. I’m drowning in my failures. I’m drowning in my good intentions that never see the light of day. I’m drowning in messes and dirty diapers and fights over imaginary pets that only my children understand. I’m fighting to nurture seeds in little hearts and a teenage heart that some days I’m just not sure what to do with. And I just want to fall in a heap on the floor but then I may not be able to peel myself off the stickiness that covers it so please, please just help. me. Jesus.
This. This is what keeps my spirit on bended knees. This is what makes me know that I am nothing. Nothing.
Nothing without Him. I will not survive apart from Him.
I am so completely desperate to be closer to that cross. Close to Him.